A Promise to Myself
It wasn’t a resolution. It was more of a promise to ourselves.
And maybe that was the difference: that it was a promise.
To ourselves.
And one we would see through for ourselves and for each other.
In November and December of 2020, my husband and I were reflecting. It had been a long year for everyone, the entire world. For us, too.
There were times that summer, I woke up and went straight down the hall to the makeshift office and I’d work. Through meals, through tears, through exhaustion. He would bring up lunch and breakfast would still be there, untouched. There were times I’d look at him, take a deep breath, and try to explain how hard it was - though I couldn’t completely express why - and how much I wanted to quit. And he’d say, “Ok. We’ll figure it out.” I didn’t and things got easier and harder.
We all know. We were all there. I won’t harp on it.
So that was that. 2020.
But we had also started to emerge from the parents-of-very-young-kids years and we realized we were entering a new experience as a family. One that allowed for more freedom and more doing and more of us doing what we wanted to do.
Please note: I adore my children. We both do. We’re absolutely crazy about these two people and we say regularly how wild it is that our favorite people all live in this one little home and we get to see each other every single day. They’re fun and smart and courageous and hilarious and inspire complete awe in us when they reflect on the world or see something totally new to them.
All I’m saying is we realized we were no longer packing diaper bags or changes of clothing for them or for us, or trying to time out the day to get back early enough to have an easy nap time, or getting out of bed early Saturday morning to get the cup of water or help find the right Bluey.
I wouldn't change that time for anything. It’s just that we did that, and fully lived it and loved it; this is where we are now.
The day-to-day is different.
We decided 2021 was going to be the year we were going to take care of the things we had put off. We were going to take care of ourselves. And in taking care of ourselves, we would be better for ourselves and for the people we love so much. We would be better prepared to do the things we love doing.
We started eating healthier and talking about habits. We started exercising regularly and getting outside more often (we were always on-the-go but I wanted to simply be outside). We knew our steps at the end of the day and drank water before coffee. We got Lasik (miraculous, my friends), rode the Peloton, were stoked with noom, and by mid-April we had lost 50 pounds each.
This year, I’ve promised myself that I will do the things that make me feel alive. I won’t squander all of our savings on a Yo bet (although when it’s safe I’m totally stealing him away for one night of dinner and a show and a craps table because that sounds super fun right now) but I will get those flowers at the farmer’s market. And I’ll plan the trip for this summer. We’ll take the kids up to Julian for the snow and let them pick things out at that cool candy shop. I’ll stay in for some entire days when it’s rainy and cozy and I feel like it. Or I’ll go out with my iridescent umbrella.
I chose ALIVE for my One Word this year. And today - because I can and want to and will use it as a reminder - today I will go to the farmer’s market and find the same vendor who engraved my everyday silver bracelet. I’ll ask her to make another for me. This one won’t have my mantra but instead two words (so far): Try. Alive.
Try was my word going into 2018 and I can say without hesitation that it changed my life.
Alive will remind me throughout the year that I am living my LIFE and I get to make it what I want, in big ways and small, in the near and far future and right now. There will be planned adventures and spontaneity, unexpected curveballs and serendipity. There will be taking care of others and taking care of us.
And there will be snorkeling.
It just makes me feel alive.
Thank you, Samantha Dulay. It’s perfect.
